*other hardware retailers are available
1) Dirty, dirty, dirty; why do these shops have to be so grubby? There’s always bits of sand on the floor and odd black marks all over the place and it reeks of WD40 and manliness.
2) Hazardous equipment; every so often there’s a tannoy announcement telling me to watch out for a forklift truck. A forklift truck! Who wants to shop whilst also trying to avoid industrial vehicles? Chuck in a couple of diving turtles and you’ve got yourself a real life game of Frogger.
3) It’s full of measurements; 110mm this and 305mm that. Is your garage door 2134mm or 2286mm high? Should I get a 15″ pick or a 33″ pick? Too. Many. Numbers.
4) I don’t speak hardware; I need a translator when I go shopping – composite, lagging, caulk, threshold, canopy, maserator, mattock, intumescent. It’s like another language. A DIY shop assistant can strike fear into your heart with the words “Do you want that in polished nickel, satin nickel, polished brass or brass plated.” to which the response is usually something along the lines of “Erm…. can I call my dad / husband / boyfriend / brother / neighbour / any other man in my life who might have a clue?”
5) Even the soap sounds adventurous; Can I buy some swarfega please? *growls in a rugged and masculine way*
6) Too much choice; There are over 60 different types of radiator. Who knew? And you can’t just go and buy nails you have more choice than pocket money day at Woolies pick and mix counter. There are clout nails, square twist nails, annualar ringshank nails (is it just me that thinks this one sounds like some sort of kinky item found in a ‘Private shop’?), round wire nails, green phosphated exterior nails…..
I JUST WANT TO BUY A NAIL. WHY IS IT SO COMPLICATED?