Evil Leggings

I am an evil pair of leggingsLeggings:  “a type of skin-tight garment that covers the legs and that may be worn by both men and women.”

My name is Jo and I loathe leggings.

I go to the gym about three or four times a week. I’m not boasting, I’m actually just really tight; I bought myself gym membership a few months ago and now I’m out for all I can get. Do I want to go for a run on the treadmill next to a 65 year old man in lycra instead of watching Eastenders? Yes I do. Shall I spend some time on a spin bike that makes my bum feel like I’ve actually been sitting on a fence? Bring it on. Would it be great to Zumba until I’ve literally sweated off my nail polish? Hell yeah.

For the record, the nail polish thing is absolutely true. A few weeks ago I went into a Zumba class with red nail polish on all ten fingers, came out with nail polish on only six. No idea what happened to the other four fingers. Never mind shaking my thang; I appear to have been shaking my black cherry chutney (genuine name of a nail polish colour) all over the place.

At the gym, you see lots of people in leggings. It’s standard gym attire, I think it’s safe to say that probably 95% of women wear leggings to exercise in. The problem with this is that leggings come in a variety of standards of quality. Buying leggings from the cheaper end of the market can lead to the clothing becoming less opaque over time and showing off whatever you are wearing underneath.

It’s not just gym leggings that suffer with this affliction, regular leggings can too. Brad and I were virtually flashed at by a belegginged lady at the weekend and it really was not a pretty sight.

There is a girl who attends one of my exercise classes who experiences this unforeseen exposure and I feel for her.  I don’t want to see her pants and I have no doubt that she doesn’t want me to see them, but I’m now past the point of being able to take action. The first time the pants were grinning at me through the leggings I should have told her. I should have said ‘Hey lady in leggings, less arse coverage than you were hoping for in those bad boys, might want to pop down to JD Sports for a new pair” but I didn’t. Now, as punishment for my cowardy cowardy custard ways, I get to see tomorrow’s washing with every press up, sit up and jumping jack she cares to undertake.

I fear suffering a similar knicker exposé as retribution and am constantly attempting to check out my bottom at every available opportunity to check for legging transparency. I’ve become obsessed, stretching the material to see if I can read the paper through it before it’s worn. You know, because that’s the best approach; make the fabric thinner. I will even randomly, with no prior warning bend over in front of Brad and yell like a crazy lady “CAN YOU SEE MY KNICKERS?”.

My name is Jo, and I loathe leggings.

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18 thoughts on “Evil Leggings

  1. Ha, ha! Maybe these gyms should have something like the “legging police” to warn those who are unaware of the unfortunate circumstances they are in? Good for you that you work out, though and you must work out fairly hard if you shake the nail polish off your fingers! My goodness! Nice post!

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    • Ooh, yes good idea. Although I’m not sure who would want to volunteer for that sort of job…

      I’m really not sure what happened to the nail polish, is it possible that I sweated it off? What a nasty thought!

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and I’m glad you enjoyed reading about my exploits. x

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  2. You are a wise woman indeed, as leggings are the scourge of modern fashion, nay modern SOCIETY. I am so sick of staring at some girl’s everything on the bus when it’s jiggling right. in. my. face. Like, I now know more about you than your gynecologist – whhhhhyyyyyy?

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    • Why thank you. I enjoy being described as wise (mis-typed that to begin with and wrote ‘I enjoy being described as wide’. I would not enjoy being described as wide. I would most certainly cry).

      I definitely do not want to know about other women’s gynecological matters, that’s why I’m not a gynecologist. Keep your knickers and your next to nothings to yourselves, ladies!

      Thanks for reading. x

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    • I’ve never tried jeggings… as jeans are not very flattering, I’m not sure how wearing things that look like jeans but are made of thinner material to show off every lump and bump would work for me! I feel quite faint at the very thought. Thanks for reading!

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  3. I do water aerobics, so the danger for me and my classmates is the pool chemicals that slowly eat up our bathing suits. We do not hesitate to warn those who have fallen victim but can’t see what’s happening on their rear ends. Fun post!

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    • Ooh, that sounds nasty! Reminds me of an incident with a light pink coloured bikini… I’m a brunette, the bikini was very pale, you can probably work out the ending to that story.
      Thanks for reading I’m glad that you enjoyed it. Have a lovely day x

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  4. Ha! I hate those things. They show all lumps and are merciless in a way that letting it hang out there in shorts is not. You know what else I hate? Not grasping sports bra etiquette. I have boobs of the “oh, that wasn’t a nip-slip, honey, the whole fucking watermelon came out to play” variety, and most of the time it takes two of any bra to hold those damned mountains still. (Exception. I just found a bra called “The Shock Absorber” and, miracle of miracles, it DOES.”) But my bras don’t look like halter tops. They look like lingerie. There’s nothing in my comfort zone about even letting people see the bra straps on them, and when I jiggle, Baywatch Beauties got nothing on me. Except it somehow isn’t so cute when the boobs go “thud, thud, wallop” instead of “bounce, bounce, sproing”. So when I’m overheated and the girl next to me rips off her shirt and strips down to the halter/sports bra, I am frequently overcome with envy. I want to strangle her with the shirt she so recently stripped out of, and I also want to drop a bowling ball around her neck and see what THAT does when she tries to jog in it.

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    • Ha ha ha. I’m sorry but that made me laugh. Bless you and your bowling balls. I have a similar complaint but sadly it’s my bum and not my boobs. J-Lo has nothing on me. Can you buy a shock absorber for your arse?! Thanks for reading and good luck on the sports bra ettiquette campaign. I’m happy to strangle a flat chested, flat bummed girl for you, any time. Just let me know! Thanks for taking the time to comment. x

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