Ode to the hen

mQiMNHoTomorrow is my gorgeous friend Louise’s hen night and I’m very excited. I’ve ordered the blow up willy and the L plates and worked out how to stash mini bottles of vodka in my handbag.

I have to confess that I’m really pleased that I’m a girl when it comes to nuptials. When the happy couple announced in a pub a while back that they had set a wedding date, talk soon turned to the stag and hen nights.

The girls’ conversation went a little like this: “Oh my goodness Lou, this is so exciting. What shall we do? We could have a spa day and drink champagne or we could go away somewhere? Ooh, what about a girly city break? We can shop and have lunch and then drink cocktails. It will be great fun.” The boys, on the other hand said to the groom-to-be (and I quote): “We are going to fuck you over.” The stag night has since happened and I have received reports that the main man is still alive and well. He did not wake up on a truckers boat to Germany or chained to a lamppost and both eyebrows remain intact, although I haven’t had visual confirmation of this, I’m still secretly hoping that he had to spend the last three weeks drawing them on with a biro.

I came across a fellow blogger’s list of 10 good things about marriage so in the spirit of all things henny (with maybe some stag thrown in for good measure), here are my views on such matters.

1. Someone to Come Home to Every Night

The blog talks about how lovely it is to have someone to come home to every night and a loving spouse at home looking forward to the moment you walk in the door. Isn’t that a lovely image? The hen angel on one shoulder is thinking about the romantic sentiment behind this. Isn’t it great to be supported and cherished by someone who just can’t wait for your arrival. The stag devil on the other shoulder is thinking ‘the moment I walk in the door, I want to put my bag down, take my shoes off and analyse whether it’s too early for wine. I don’t need a dog shaped husband wagging his tail and blocking my route to the corkscrew.’

2. Someone to Build a Life With

Nice, nice. Although it does feel sound like awfully hard work. Can we replace ‘build’ with one of the following replacement words: ‘sit’, ‘lay’, ‘recline’, ‘lounge’. There is no place for strenuous manual labour in Jo’s life. I’ll take Someone to ‘think about building but changes his mind and makes a nice cup of tea and opens a packet of biscuits instead’ a life with.

3. Someone to Always Be Your Best Friend

Yes, yes, yes. You have your husband ‘best friend’ and then you have your girls to whom you tell all those things that you don’t tell you husband; how much your shoes actually cost, how many times you really cried watching Titanic, what you truly think of his mother, how brand spanking new your ‘this old thing’ dress is and how much he annoyed you when he did <<insert husbandy misdemeanor>>.

4. Someone to Catch You When You Fall

Note to self: Eat less cake to be prepared for this eventuality.

5. Someone to Tell You the Truth

Dear Jo, You’ve eaten too much cake. If I catch you when you fall, I might give myself a hernia. There is a chance that you will not be caught. Love Brad.

6. Someone to Hug You When You Have a Bad Day

I can’t argue with this one. A good hug is like a cloud/marshmallow/duvet sandwich. Bliss.

7. Someone to Make You a Better Person

In a laboratory? Frankenstein style? I don’t want a person to be made for me even if it is a better one. We all know what happened to poor old Eddie in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think I’ll politely decline this offer.

8. Someone to Know Everything About You

All well and good but I don’t think everything needs to be known about me and I certainly do not need to know everything about Brad. If there is an upset stomach situation for example, that’s all that needs to be said. No further details are necessary. It’s good to share but it’s better to keep an element of mystery as well. No-one needs to witness me sitting in the bathroom trying to prevent hair dye dripping into my eyes. I mean, obviously I don’t need to dye my hair because I’m not going grey. I’m fine. A natural brunette with absolutely no help whatsoever.

9. Someone that Shares Your Point of View

Arsenal is the greatest football team in the world. Owing as many shoes as possible is a good thing. A Chinese takeaway is better than an Indian takeaway. We need a bigger telly. Drum and Base is acceptable listening material. Strictly Come Dancing is a great TV show. Showers are better than baths. These are just a small selection of statements highlighting different points of view that Brad and I currently hold.

10. Someone to Love You Just the Way You Are

Well, Billy Joel, Barry White and Bruno Mars can’t all be wrong.

Happy hen night, Lou!

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