“Can you imagine a world without men? There would be no crime and lots of fat happy women.” Nicole Hollander
I’m sure that my lovely boyfriend will be relieved to learn that I do not want to be in a world without men and here’s why:
Every year my friends and I get together for fireworks on a weekend near to Guy Fawkes night. This event could not happen without men because I think it’s safe to estimate that 90% of women have never even held a firework, let alone lit the fuse. Fireworks are most certainly a man’s responsibility. Each year there is a very big male female divide for our firework event which looks a little like this:
a) Stomp around the garden in an authoritative manner checking out suitable firework launch site.
b) Drink some beer.
c) Sort fireworks into categories (fountains, rockets, catherine wheels, roman candles, those standard ones that just go straight up into the sky which I can’t seem to find the name of).
d) Drink some beer.
e) Sort further into sub-categories based on noise and impact (small/quiet, medium, large/loud).
f) Drink some beer.
g) Endeavour to set up fireworks half way down the garden. Realise that it is dark half way down the garden and further light is required.
h) Attempt to use cigarette lighter as light source until women, who previously appeared to have been paying no attention, all simultaneously yell at you to stop using the lighter and go to find a torch.
i) Search for torch.
j) Drink some beer.
k) Call women outside for firework extravaganza.
a) Chat and drink wine for half an hour inside the house so as not to get cold whilst the men do fireworky man things.
b) Collectively notice that the men are attempting to use a cigarette lighter to light up the garden in order to position the fireworks. Jointly yell at men to stop using the lighter and go to find a torch.
c) Go outside for firework extravaganza.
d) Moan about how cold it is outside.
e) Ooh and ahhh at fireworks for approximately six and a half minutes.
f) Get distracted by sparklers and excitedly write names in the sky with them.
Men have greater upper body strength than women. Fact.
Due to this, men can carry more shopping than woman. Fact.
Men should always be available to carry shopping bags. Fact.
A wasp flew into the lounge on Saturday when I was home alone and I reacted like this:
Me: [High pitched voice, mild level of panic, talking to myself] “Wasp! There’s a wasp. It’s November, why are you here Mr Wasp? Shouldn’t you be hibernating or dead or something?”
Wasp: Moves one millimetre in my direction.
Me: “Aaaaagggggghhhh. Get away from me evil wasp. Why won’t you fly out of the window? Look [points at window] there it is. Get lost. Fly out of the window Mr Wasp”
Wasp: Does not fly out of window, keeps hitting lounge wall instead. Buzzing gets louder.
Me: “Ohmigodwaspgoaway Aaaaaagggghhhh.” [Flaps tv magazine in general direction of wasp whilst making shooing noises]
Wasp: Lands on coffee table
Me: “Don’t just sit there. Go out of the WINDOW”
Wasp: Gets up from coffee table and flies aggressively around the room
Me: [Runs from room squealing] Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh!
Which is why I need a man around to do something sensible with a jam jar and a piece of card in order to catch the wasp and set him free and prevent him being half beaten to death with a television mag whilst a deranged woman shouts ‘shoo’ at him repeatedly.
Apparently you should check and top up the oil in your car before the oil light comes on. Who knew?
It may because of the iPhone/Playstation/Wii/Xbox/iPad (delete as appropriate) obsession but men seem to be more technologically savvy than women and I say that as a women who considers herself to be slightly more geeky on the computer front than she generally cares to admit.
But I am ashamed to say that I neither care nor notice if I’m watching a television in high definition, I’d more likely recognise a DVT than a DVR. I thought Java was an Indonesian island and LIFO (Last in, First out) was a method of selecting staff for redundancy rather than “a method of processing data in which the last items entered are the first to be removed.”
I had an iPhone 3GS, now I have an iPhone 4S and I’m not really sure that there is much of a difference (I know that statement is controversial and Apple fans may stone me to death with out of date iPods for what I’ve just said).
I also don’t really care about cars. Brad will often say “ooh, look at that Lamborghini” and I will respond with “Ooh it’s so ugly and noisy, I’d rather drive my little Pixo”
So, a world filled with fat, happy crime free women may be an interesting concept for Nicole Hollander but I like to have an annual firework display, someone to link my laptop to my telly for me so that I can catch up with the edition of the Great British Bake Off that I missed and a man to put oil into my car for me because even when the little dashboard light comes on, I’ll just ignore it.
I read this post to Brad before posting it. When I got to the end, he said “Aren’t you going to add a final paragraph about all the other great things that men do?” “Good idea. I’ll do that” I replied. So, my darling, the next paragraph is just for you:
***end of blog entry***