When do I get my promotion?

keep-calm-and-pretend-it-s-not-monday-5

Like many people I do suffer with a relentless, overwhelming, depression touch of the blues on a Monday.  I recently came across an article called “10 things successful people do on a Monday morning”, so thought I’d have a read to see where I was going wrong:

10. Use your weekends effectively

By “effectively” they mean asleep or drunk, right?

9. Plan your week

I do. My week plan looks like this:
Monday: Speak to as few people as possible. Drink a lot of caffeinated beverages.
Tuesday: Delight in the fact that it is not Monday.
Wednesday: Work extra hard to make up for marginal disinterest on Monday and Tuesday. Count down to 1.01pm so that I know I’m officially over the hump and closer to Friday than to Monday. Giggle childishly at the term “hump” at least once.
Thursday: Spend most of the day wondering whether it’s too soon to wish people a nice weekend.
Friday: Perform a quite restricted, because I should be in full control of my vehicle at all times, “almost the weekend” dance in the car on the way to work. Usually whilst simultaneously changing gear, checking my hair in the rear view mirror and singing loudly.

8. Get up early

Yes, okay. I will do this*. Good plan. Great advice.

*blatant lie

The article talks about getting up early in order to do something “personal and worthwhile, like working out”. Given the choice between forty winks and ‘get down and give me forty’, slumber will beat sport every day of the week.

7. Tackle emails first thing…

I am terribly obsessive about checking my emails, I just can’t leave the little yellow envelope in the corner of the screen. I have to know what the email says, just in case it’s announcing a payrise or an increase to my holiday entitlement. I’m the same with post at home too. Chances are it is some sort of demand for payment that has come through the door but every so often it’s a “The limit on your credit card has been increased” letter or a “Look at these beautiful shoes, aren’t they magnificent and shiny? You must buy them, such a bargain” leaflet. Of course the problems arise when the credit card limit and the beautiful shoe leaflet coincide because one does tend to offset the other.

6. …or don’t

Are you kidding me? They might be successful, but they are so indecisive.

5. Take advantage of your commute

Please refer to Friday on my week plan. If you have not seen me tripping the light fantastic in the car with my “almost the weekend” boogie, you have not lived.

4. Be grateful (that you have a career)

I would be more grateful for my career if it did not involve my having to know so much, having to do so much and having to be polite to so many people.

3. Exercise

The article tells me that Barack Obama and George W Bush are fans of exercising early. I wouldn’t dream of making a sassy comment about this I’m just going to mumble something discrete under my breath about how they might want to think about running the country instead of cross country running.

2. Eat that frog

I have to put the description to this because otherwise it makes no sense: Mark Twain said “If you eat a frog first thing in the morning, you’ll have it behind you for the rest of the day.” referring to tackling the toughest tasks first. That’s especially important on Mondays, because if you don’t, you’ll have it hanging over your head all day, all week or whenever you finally get around to it. That sense of dread can really affect your performance. Make a to-do list, and put the least savoury tasks at the top — you’ll feel a lot better once they’re complete.

Thought provoking statement Mr Twain, however, if you replace the word “frog” with the phrase “bacon sandwich”, it’s even better.

1. Start with a clean desk

My desk is always very tidy. My desk drawers on the other hand are the equivalent of what happens when you leave a toddler alone with a pile of papers. At 4.59pm on a Friday night, I chuck anything and everything that happens to be on my desk into the drawers with no regard for how I’m going to retrieve everything 64 hours later.  Subsequently, the first battle for me on a Monday morning is the desk drawer of doom.

Right, I’ve got it. Next Monday I shall clean my desk, star jump, eat an amphibian, send my boss flowers for hiring me and not check my emails.

Ding ding promotion central.

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