I want to punch the lollipop man


Now that the school summer holidays are over, I have been reminded of the thing that I hate most about driving to work. The lollipop man.

I should clarify that statement. I don’t dislike most Lollipop people, I am sure they are lovely. Anyone who is brave enough to walk out in front of cars at rush hour, in all weather, whilst wearing fluorescent polyester and comfortable shoes, when people like me are running late for work and resenting every second in which their car is not moving closer to their desk, should be given a great big hug and a free latte every morning. Plus some people do drive like fuzzy mutton heads whether they are outside schools or not so I’m not trying to belittle the job.

But one Lollipop man in particular really, really annoys me because of the fact that he is stationed at a pelican crossing. Yes, that is the one with a push button and brightly coloured images to indicate whether you should cross the road or not.

What makes me cross is the fact that he looks so supercilious and smug about it. As soon as the green man appears, Lollipopman; substandard superhero, is there. He strides pompously across the road like a knight in a jousting contest with his high visibility chain mail and his lollipop lance and metaphorically knocks me off my horse by preventing me from travelling any further.

I want to punch him for his self important “I keep children safe” glow. No, you don’t. You press a bloody button, which by the way, my niece has been able to do since she was two. You are superfluous, supernumery, surplus to requirement.

You might as well be standing next to a sandwich board which says ‘Also available for arranging piss ups in breweries’. If you own a dog, I think it’s safe to say that you bark yourself.

Now, if I were of a certain age, I would be so outraged about this, that I would have worked out how much it was costing me in council tax to fund this misuse of council spending. Fortunately, I’m not*.

*£3,998 a year


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