Dammit, I’m not as happy as I thought

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I came across an article recently which was titled “22 things happy people do differently”, I consider myself a pretty happy person so I decided to have a look at this list. Turns out, according to the happy list, I’m not as happy as I might have thought:

1. Don’t hold grudges

Hmmmm… I don’t really want to fall at the first hurdle, but in my divorce, I spent approximately £182,000,000 on solicitors fees and he spent 39p. Once. When he bought a stamp to send his signed papers to court. It’s okay, I don’t hold a grudge against him for that. As long as it’s alright to refer to him as Mr money-grabbing, time-wasting, cock-sucker?

2. Treat everyone with kindness

Absolutely. I totally do this one*.

*Excluding Mr money-grabbing, time-wasting, cock-sucker

3. See problems as challenges

Problem: A state of difficulty that needs to be resolved.

Challenge: A test of one’s abilities or resources in a demanding but stimulating undertaking.

Huh. Potato [pot-ate-oh] potato [pot-art-oh].

4. Express gratitude for what they already have

Totally nailed this one. I am grateful for wine and chocolate and vodka and cake.

5. Dream big

I dream of bigger wine bottles, extra chocolate, vodka a plenty and more cake.

6. Don’t sweat the small stuff

Of course. I’m a lady, I don’t sweat.

7. Speak well of others

I try to do this but sometimes people just piss me off.

Okay, maybe I could turn it around. Instead of saying “Gah, Gertrude really winds me up”, I should be saying “Wow, Gertrude really is very proficient in the art of making my hackles rise, I wonder how she learnt to do it so skillfully. I know no one who can bring on my temper as quickly or as effectively as her. What an outstanding achievement.”

(All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental)

8. Never make excuses

I don’t know what you mean.

The bus was late. I overslept. I would have done it but then the phone rang and I forgot. The cheque is in the post. The card is in the post. My alarm clock broke. My car wouldn’t start. I would have had a salad instead of a pizza but it was a two for one pizza deal. I fell over. I fell asleep. The chocolate just fell into my mouth. The cat did it. The cat ate it. The cat scratched it. It was my sister’s fault. It was my boyfriend’s fault. It was my friend’s fault. It just slipped out of my hands. My speedometer must be wrong. My watch must be wrong.

9. Get absorbed into the present

As in don’t long for the future? Well that definitely happens at the weekend. Monday to Friday, not so much.

10. Wake up at the same time every morning

And forsake my weekend lie in? That would make me a very unhappy bunny indeed. Who wrote this poxy list?

11. Avoid social comparison

I’m not even sure what this means. Is it about looking down on people who don’t have a job? I definitely don’t do that. If I’m being completely honest, every Monday morning I envy them just a little bit.

12. Choose friends wisely

Preferred criteria for choosing friends:

a) Have lots of money

b) Be very generous with their money

c) Ding ding! Friendship central

Actual criteria for choosing friends:

a) Can put up with me for an evening

b) That is all

13. Never seek approval from others

I don’t seek it.

I do beg and plead for it. Is that okay?

14. Take the time to listen

Lis-ten? I am unfamiliar with this word. Is it the opposite of talking?

15. Nurture social relationships

Dear friends and family,

Most of you read my blog and so I would like to take this opportunity to say that you all rock and I love you all like a mother bear loves her cubs.

Why are you still reading? What do you want? Blood? Get over yourselves.

Lots of love and all that shit.

16. Meditate

Fuck. Off.

I’ll tell you what, I’ll “mediate” on a Saturday morning between 7.30am and 10.00am. If it looks like I’m sleeping, it’s because I’m just really really good at meditating. Happy list lie in stealing bastards.

17. Eat well

By well, do they mean cake?

18. Exercise

I have been known to do exercise. I completed a marathon in 2011; I’m going to be dining out on that one for the next 50 years. In fact, I think that if you have a marathon medal and a race completer t-shirt it’s pretty much a get out of jail free card regarding any other form of physical exertion for the rest of your life. I’ve done my life’s worth of exercise; I just happened to do it in one day.

19. Live minimally

Having just spent a busy, rainy, Saturday morning in town surrounded by teenagers, buggies and old people (Seriously, why Saturday? there are FIVE other days of the week when we’re all at work for you to be all old and doddery. Why do you do it to yourself? And more importantly, why the hell do you do it to us?), I concur. I do not need a new jumper.

20. Tell the truth

I think the end of this one is missing. I’m sure it should read “Tell the truth…about everything except how much your new shoes cost” and in that case, I always tell the truth.

21. Establish personal control

Oh yeah, definitely meet this happiness criteria. I am a total control freak. As my little niece would say “My do it, my do it”.

22. Accept what cannot be changed

I accept the bits of my body on which you can pinch a number of an inchs.

Disclaimer: Until such time as I can afford liposuction when I will get rid of those bad boys faster than you can say skinny bitch.

***

I have spent a lot of time considering this list and I can hereby confirm that I have reached a conclusion which has made me feel very happy.

The list is stupid.

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