14 things to do at work that don’t actually involve work

Working 9am to 5pm (or not)I have worked in HR for nearly 14 years (amazing achievement for a 29 year old…) and every time I think I’ve seen it all, some employee somewhere does something bonkers.

So, to celebrate (or mourn) the past 14 years, I have pleasure in sharing my bona fide top 14 work shirks:

* Disappear in the middle of your shift. When you return, no one will notice if your hair is 5 inches shorter and your beard has gone.

* If you are kicked out of your house by your wife; move into your office.

* Take a paperback book into the toilet with you during your first week in a new job and read it for at least half an hour.

* From a work computer, email details of a wide variety of sexual activity and what you’d like to do to your girlfriend when you get home. Do this on work time.

* Fall asleep at work at least three times and then, when you’re on a final written warning for your behaviour, fall asleep in the middle of a team meeting with approximately 20 witnesses.

* Fail to turn up for your first day of work in a new job. Eventually arrive eight weeks late, demand to start work and to be paid and then tell your new manager that you believe him to be god.

* Count the time between getting out of your car and arriving at your desk at the beginning of the day and leaving work and getting to your car at the end of the day as overtime and submit a claim for payment at time and a half.

* Stack a high level freezer haphazardly. Next time you open the freezer door, a frozen chicken is likely to fall on your head.

* Lick the faces of your female work colleagues.

* Phone in sick for a night shift and then go out drinking, dance on a table and upload a photograph to Facebook as evidence of your misdemeanour.

* Have sex with a colleague in a store cupboard when you should be hoovering an office.

* Come to work reeking of alcohol, blatantly hungover and as sick as a dog and then cite an allergic reaction to the peanuts that accompanied the half bottle of vodka that you drank the previous night.

* On a freezing cold day, throw a bucket of water from the window of your workplace. Ensure that it lands on top of a colleague who is going home sick with the flu.

* Bring your sick cat into work and have it sitting in your office whilst an important meeting takes place.

Who knows what the next 14 years will bring?!

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